This post is not for Puritans, vegetarians, or children.
This post is for those of you who want to embrace life while you eat. Who relish the innate, sensual experience that is eating. And it is for people who like the three basic food groups:
Bacon, Eggs, and Cream
That’s right bitches. We are making bastardized carbonara.
Get an onion.
Dice it.( in case you want a little reminder on a great way to dice an onion, click here)
Get like a bunch of bacon…let’s just say a whole packet.
Throw both of them into a pot with a few good glugs of olive oil on medium low heat to sloooooowly render the fat. The bacon becomes crispy and golden and the onions translucent and sweet as honey.
Take the mixture out of the oil when the bacon is dark brown NOT black, and the onions are light brown and caramalized. If there are a few black-ish onions, that is ok. They will still taste divine.
If you are sitting next to someone right now and their mouth is not watering, THEY ARE AN ANDROID! YOUR FRIEND’S BODY HAS BEEN STOLEN. Cause this stuff is…just freaking delicious
I could stop right here.
But I won’t.
While that is resting, boil your pasta.
Use this pasta if you are totally indulgent with your food budget, and still wear the same jeans that you wore in college so that you can justify spending clothes money on imported foodstuffs.
It has saffron and truffles in it, and smells like angels and world peace.
(any old cheapo pasta will be just delicious in this sauce, too )
While that cooks, separate two eggs. That is, crack an egg, and taking the two halves of the shell,
Flip the yolk back and forth a couple of times so the white falls out into a bowl beneath,
And you are left with just a yolk, which you dump into a different bowl
*But save those whites! You can turn them into meringues, souffles, omelettes, or an angel food cake! If you put them in an ice cube tray and freeze them, you can pop those whites out whenever you need them*
Now back to the food porn
Told you this was too steamy for kids.
Pour a couple tablespoons of HEAVY cream into the egg yolks. By a couple i mean try to stop yourself from emptying the full pint in there
Sweet Cream. Velvety egg yolks. Your pulse should be quickening just at the thought of such a combo
Now throw tons of black pepper and whip the whole mixture with a fork…whip it good
By now the pasta is still has a teensy bit of bite in it-it shouldn’t disintegrating in your mouth, because it continues to cook from residual heat for a couple of secs after it comes off the stove.
Pour the egg mixture into the drained pasta while furiously tossing the pasta so the eggs don’t scramble
The heat from the pasta gently cooks the eggs and cream into a slippery, luscious sauce.
Time for a decadent downpour of pecorino romano cheese (it is a sheep’s milk cheese that is very sharp and salty, but parmasean would also work in a pinch), and throw in the bacon and onion mixture.
Oh for Pete’s sake.
I mean, really
Guys, this will get you the girl. Girls, this will get you the ring. Taylor Momsen, this will make you respectable again
Well, not even bastardized pasta carbonara can solve all problems.
Peas or asparagus would be great in this. A green salad with a light vinegarette would be a wonderful addition. Rasberry sorbet with chocolate chips would be a light yet decadent dessert.
But why bother?
Turn on the tv, turn off your phone, and eat the creamy, salty, umami, meaty goodness that is this meal. Then later when your hot next door neighboor comes over to ask if you have a fan he/she can borrow, offer him/her some of the leftover pasta. Don’t be surprised when he/she decides to linger a little longer then necessary. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do that first night
And remember-it isn’t you who has these bewitching charms. You owe it all the the sexiest pasta on earth.