It may surprise you to learn that I heavily edit what I put on this blog.
I want you to think that I am capable. That I am creative. That I am gifted at both sports and calculus.
In order to perpetuate these myths, I only post recipes that work well. Sometimes I have great ideas, WONDERFUL ideas that somehow…just don’t…quite…materialize.
In an effort to inspire you to continue to persevere in the kitchen, despite minor (or major) setbacks, here are a few of my biggest flops. Turn away now if you don’t want your illusions of me as perfect to be shattered.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Catastrophe #1: The Walnuts that Ate the Pesto
This recipe was going to be killer. I love pesto – who doesn’t? All you have to do is get some oil, some garlic, cheese, and basil, and there you have it!
And some nuts.
Ever wonder why it isn’t called nutso?
Because if you put too many walnuts in it, it has the exact color and texture of baby poop. Any hint of fresh basil or salty cheese will be utterly wiped out by the overwhelming taste of the walnuts.
My efforts to balance the taste and texture resulted in dumping in another cup of olive oil, rendering the whole thing sludgy and greasy. By this time, of course I ran out of basil and couldn’t fix it.
So near. Yet…not.
Catastrophe #2: Sherbet Punch
This isn’t really a screw up, just a stupid recipe. Yes, 7-Up, sherbet, and whipped cream flavored vodka makes a fun party drink. Sure, dry ice is cool.
But who, outside of a 13-year-old, is going to spend the time and money to get dry ice and whipped cream flavored vodka? And who besides a type 2 diabetic wouldn’t find it sickeningly sweet and chemically tasting?
Catastrophe #3: Baked Scotch Eggs
This recipe was one of my most frustrating endeavors. It seemed so simple – take a recipe for something fried and turn it into something baked. I have done it with chicken. Why couldn’t I do it with eggs? I had envisioned a soft-boiled egg covered in crisp chorizo and crunchy breadcrumbs. A beautiful brown orb, totally enclosed until the fork punctured it, releasing a stream of golden yolk.
It’s nice to have dreams.
Problem #1: If you boil eggs for 15 minutes, they will be hard-boiled. Obviously.
Problem #2: As things bake, they expand. Think of a cake rising or an unpoked baked potato exploding. So, if you pack the chorizo too tightly, it will break as it bakes.
Problem #3: If you cover the whole thing in olive oil, it will end up sitting in its own grease, becoming a soggy mess.
Problem #4: They look disgusting.
They tasted good…ish. I should have just fried them. Now I know.
And now you know – the blog is definitely a filtered view, and everyone has kitchen mess ups. Especially me.
I’m also not good at calculus. Shocker, I know.